retreat

=freakin amazing. and i never want to leave where i was with god @ the retreat man. i was like. holy kazizzles. it was. the closest ive ever gotten to god. and, i never want to stray again. like no matter what. seriously, like.. summertime, wow. i was like, numb. the spirit was like "POOF" and like, now ive come back. but like... before this retreat, all the things happening in my life were just killing me. seriously. and for a moment, for some moments, the bible didnt help. all i could feel was the hurt of all the things happening in my life. and i was so entangled in that, that i just, started to feel numb inside again. and like, even though i made all those deep posts, like, it took a while until i felt it. and still, my prayers, they felt so meaningless. so pointless. and then came the retreat. and like, all the topics were so.. man. so encouraging. like fighting the good fight of faith, conducting yourself in the house of god, and not neglecting the gift that god gave you. it just helped me so much. because im feeling that im not doing those things. im not fighting the good fight, im just letting satans tricks get to me. im not doing good at conducting myself either. like, i feel that i havent given god enough, that im not an honorable vessel for him to live in, that im like a house made of hay. but i need to be a house of gold. but it takes time. it takes training. it takes the desire for gods house, a type of zeal like no other. it takes some tribulations, some hard times. it takes honroing and glorifying his name, and nothing speaks louder than through being a good example. and i felt like, im doing just, so so at being a good example, just so so at setting a godly standard at school. and then, neglecting the gift. and i learned, to just speak in the meetings. cuhs even if your only the thumb in the body of god, maybe sometimes, you need that thumb, to give the extra support, the extra help. and wow. when i was praying these things, with the depths of my being, because its the least i can give god, i just felt a feeling like no other. a refreshment from god. saying, im with you. ill do this in you. dont worry. ive given my son, what will i not withhold form you? and i was like, thank you. because, all we can give him is ourselves, our lives, our beings. and i felt, that i wasnt even doing that, and even if i was, i wasnt making my life good enough for him to accept. and, i just pray, that he will be able to do this in me, that i could please him, that i could see him smile, and say, "well done my faithful servant"

wow. words cant express what im feeling right now.