thats an interesting word. but anyway, this post is gonna be all over the place, and i have so much going on in my mind right now, which is kinda why im posting.
so ill start with dreaming. as of late, ive been having interesting dreams. and last night was the craziest that ive had since.....since ever i think.
not to mention, last last night, my mom said that i was sleeptalking. pretty cool, huh?
but anyway, last night's dream was bizarre. it was one of those dreams that felt so realistic, yet as i look back on it, some of the details werent realistic at all.
and what made it even more realistic that it kinda fed off a dream i had like 2 days before. ive never had any dreams that were like a continuation off each other. but anyway, the dream i had two nights before....all i can remember is finding this one picture of me when i was like 5 years old accidentally shooting someone and killing them. so last nights dream, i pretty much got busted for that. so my mom tried to keep this accidental murder under control and brushed it under the carpet....but stuff happened during the dream (i can only remember so much) and these police inspectors + kevin chon +david kim (the freshmen.....im not sure what they were doing there, but they were working with the police...this was one of the very unrealistic details...for obvious reasons....plus i dont even know them except that they're in track and they do some weird jerking videos with james kim and that one tall freshman guy....)....anyway, they came and then they accused me of murder, and of course they conveniently pulled out the picture as evidence against me. and i remember i was crying so hard and i kept on yelling that i was innocent and that i wasnt guilty and it was all an accident and i dont even remember doing it and it was 10 years ago and so why are you coming now? and then i remember being scheduled to go to court. and i was planning a speech. and i also remembered crying sooo hard because i would probably be sent to jail for life, so that meant that i was off by myself, no friends, no family, just me. and not even in a comfy place, twas in a dirty jail cell. and those emotions were sooooo real. and i remember kinda trying to do a sort of bucket list, although i cant completely remember it. mostly, i remember being sad and i remembered the feeling of never getting to see anyone or anything important to you ever again. it sucked. so when i woke up (when i entered the courthouse i think), i felt soooooo good. i saw my room (not a courthouse), and a felt a nice bed underneath me, and i thanked god that that was all just a dream. but i think that dream made me realize just how important some people are to me. i like to consider myself a loner and i dont really see friends as a big part of my life because i dont think i have too many, but last night i found out that they still mean a lot to me nonetheless. esp my mom. who im starting to treat worse and worse and worse, even though i know its wrong and i know that its not what she deserves. :l
anyway, that was a very profound dream. i think. it was pretty scary too. i never realized how intimidating jail was until that dream. damn.
im also put to shame by the way i treat people. again.
1) so i keep on remembering how mean i was to you for all those years, and it really makes me sad to know that i could have ever caused you so much pain. because that was never my intentions. but i know that you took those "jokes" pretty seriously, and as of late, ive been trying to reverse the damage, but i guess its too late. but the only reason why i made fun of you so much, was probably just because i was jealous. period. everyone liked you better, everyone treated you better. and its true. you have more charisma and you're just a funnier person and better person to be around in general. but i was still jealous, and so i took out my jealousy on your self esteem and on your feelings. im sorry. and now, im sure its too late. i mean we still laugh and we chill and have fun together, but i guess its not the same anymore; not with sour feelings behind it all. i want forgiveness, i want redemption, but i know i dont deserve it. i just hope our friendship could be the way it was before i started stabbing at you.
2) yeah, i know. im aware that im kindasorta ignoring you. and i know you told me that yeah, its okay if you dont wanna be friends, but the thing is, even if im ignoing you, it doesnt mean i dont wanna be friends. i know you've found a nice cozy group of friends with whom you fit in with very well, but i dont. and if they make you happy, its cool, cause ive found some good friends of my own, too. but it doesnt mean i dont wanna be friends. it might mean we dont hang out as much, and maybe that i sometimes ignore you (plus, when im ignoring you, it may mean that im in a bad mood anyway), but seriously? friendships dont fall out of the window that fast. so i hope you dont get the impression that im doing those things because i dont like you.
yeah. im not a good people person. it seems like every friendship i get into, im the one who wrecks it and tears it apart, when im the one who wants to keep it together. not a smart decision, andrew.
damn....i cant remember anything else profound that i was gonna post, so im just gonna do a little life update. you can opt to skip this if you'd like.
so tonight, im going to hedys recital. shes getting hear PhD for this??? im not sure, but shes some crazy music major, so we gots to go support yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. bleh i dont know whos going though. its like me ben.....thats prolly it (out of the young people guys) hahahaha. :l
and then tomorrow im going to watch some violinist named sarah chang perform at performing arts center because my viola teacher said he was going and told my mom that she was a good violinist and that we should go watch. so yaaaaaaaaaay. semi-waste of my time.
and i hope euro test gets postponed to not next week :D
can you believe its already the end of february and like 1 month from the end of 3rd quarter??
AND SNAP CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT OUR FIRST MEET IS LIKE 2 WEEKS AWAY WHOOOOOOOOOA. and can you believe that theres so many hurdlers this year which means no more easy medals?? theres like 8 of us guys now........JUST FROM WHITNEY.....so its like no more automatic medals....and it means we have to compete against each other too if we want a medal.....wtf. -____________-
which means i have to improve my sprinting game. not to mention my hurdling form.
but thats a different storrrrrrrrry.
HEY BUT CAN YOU BELIEVE THERES ONLY ONE INVITATIONAL THIS YEAR. IM PISSED. >_>
and can you believe the freaking white people americanized hello panda, the classical asian snack? so they've now americanized yangleduo (yakult), hichew, hello panda, and prolly some more. if they americanize pocky, i QUIT.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
498
whooooooo!
actually, no. not "whooooooooooo!" 3 day weekend=sucked. beeeeeecause 1) got sick. 2) college project....wtf. 3) poem in french....WTF.
but last 3 day weekend was pretty awesome. chinese new years was pretty goooooooood stuff. somewhat more boring than years before though....maybe kristie's too "mature" for me and ben now or something. hahahaha. for the first time she sat at the adults table O: and shes 21 now, so she got to drink the wine, although she said it tasted nasty hahahaha. me and ben just drank sparkling juice, which always has bottles that looks like wine bottles so yeaaah.
bleh. i hate it when i get sick. its not so much being sick in itself, because i get to be lazy and lie around in bed all day, but its more my moms always yelling me and telling me im not strong enough and crap . yeah basically the yelling ruins the feel.
so im not sure how im gonna handle the college project. since im pretty much too much of a hermit to go out a few 10 miles to irvine or something, i might as well go to cerritos community. and hopefully my mom doesnt yell at me for "procrastinating." (over the weekend). but its better than going on thursday, right?
and the french poem is just BS. i can barely write a poem in english, and here you want me to write a freaking poem in french? i swear, sometimes madame is crazy. although shes chill most of the time, so its all gooooood. we're just spoiled in french, so dont mind us complaining about crap when spanish has it a lot rougher :P
(technically, its not really our fault though, we were just smart enough to choose the more chill language :D although "less practical"....but i really dont care about that stufffff)
track is going along just fine. except except except....no more 800 for me D: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. so many memories with the 800. actually, not really. just sucking at the 800. WAIT DAMN. this means i cant compete with that moses guy anymore. D: man i was looking forward to beating him this year.
but yeah. so why do i have to give it up, you ask? becauseee imma try something that im hoping i dont suck at as much! 300 hurdlesss whoooooooo! but its right before the 800 during the meets, so id be hella tired doing those two back to back.
but yeahhhhh! and im not gonna chicken out this year! actually, i already have one "battlescar" hahahaha its actually not that bad! hopefully i dont get scared at the meets though (BUT I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL GET SOOOOOOO SCARED.....and then imma run it....poooop and pisss my pants.....and pray that i dont falll)
aaaaaannnnnnnnnnd im getting awfully paranoid. you seeeeeee, last year i thought the mens low was extremely high and extreeeeeeemely hard to clear, which is why i chickened out. this year, the mens low looks a lotttt lower and its a looooooot easier to clear, so im paranoid that we're actually training on girls high or something. that would suck. a lot.
hey this post is actually semilong. although im sure its not too meaningful. but im done because i have better things to do...as always. byebye.
actually, no. not "whooooooooooo!" 3 day weekend=sucked. beeeeeecause 1) got sick. 2) college project....wtf. 3) poem in french....WTF.
but last 3 day weekend was pretty awesome. chinese new years was pretty goooooooood stuff. somewhat more boring than years before though....maybe kristie's too "mature" for me and ben now or something. hahahaha. for the first time she sat at the adults table O: and shes 21 now, so she got to drink the wine, although she said it tasted nasty hahahaha. me and ben just drank sparkling juice, which always has bottles that looks like wine bottles so yeaaah.
bleh. i hate it when i get sick. its not so much being sick in itself, because i get to be lazy and lie around in bed all day, but its more my moms always yelling me and telling me im not strong enough and crap . yeah basically the yelling ruins the feel.
so im not sure how im gonna handle the college project. since im pretty much too much of a hermit to go out a few 10 miles to irvine or something, i might as well go to cerritos community. and hopefully my mom doesnt yell at me for "procrastinating." (over the weekend). but its better than going on thursday, right?
and the french poem is just BS. i can barely write a poem in english, and here you want me to write a freaking poem in french? i swear, sometimes madame is crazy. although shes chill most of the time, so its all gooooood. we're just spoiled in french, so dont mind us complaining about crap when spanish has it a lot rougher :P
(technically, its not really our fault though, we were just smart enough to choose the more chill language :D although "less practical"....but i really dont care about that stufffff)
track is going along just fine. except except except....no more 800 for me D: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. so many memories with the 800. actually, not really. just sucking at the 800. WAIT DAMN. this means i cant compete with that moses guy anymore. D: man i was looking forward to beating him this year.
but yeah. so why do i have to give it up, you ask? becauseee imma try something that im hoping i dont suck at as much! 300 hurdlesss whoooooooo! but its right before the 800 during the meets, so id be hella tired doing those two back to back.
but yeahhhhh! and im not gonna chicken out this year! actually, i already have one "battlescar" hahahaha its actually not that bad! hopefully i dont get scared at the meets though (BUT I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL GET SOOOOOOO SCARED.....and then imma run it....poooop and pisss my pants.....and pray that i dont falll)
aaaaaannnnnnnnnnd im getting awfully paranoid. you seeeeeee, last year i thought the mens low was extremely high and extreeeeeeemely hard to clear, which is why i chickened out. this year, the mens low looks a lotttt lower and its a looooooot easier to clear, so im paranoid that we're actually training on girls high or something. that would suck. a lot.
hey this post is actually semilong. although im sure its not too meaningful. but im done because i have better things to do...as always. byebye.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
497
almost at 500, so why not?
though i think isabel (?) was at like 700 a yr ago haahhhahahaha.
i hate how the meaning of "lol" "lmao" and "rofl" have become so washed down. now its hard to tell whether they;re just saying it or if they actually are laughing out loud or laughing their @$$es off or rolling on the floor laughing. and esp the last two. because they're so like, dramatic and stuff, and so when you see those you think "oh i made that person laugh." but in reality they might just be saying it but not meaning it :O
though i also am guilty of this "cyber sin," if you will. technically, it is lying sooooo yeahh.
byyyyyyyy the way, dont you get a good feeling when you make people laugh or smile? i dunno. i do. but thats cause im not a very humorous guy, so its like oh yaaaay someone actually thinks something i said is at least somewhat humorous/entertaining. but sometimes i wonder what its like to be like a comedian or like people who are just naturally funny. like ben or something. i wonder how they feel when they make people laugh. do they even care? or do they get that same semi-giddy feeling. cause if they do....damn they must be some happy people.
but then again, maybe its just me O___O ooooh and it makes me even giddiier when im around people that im not too familiar with and stuff. cause yeah its natural for good friends to do that type of stuff, but for mere acquaintances its like WHOA. notice that i dont say "strangers": i dont enjoy strangers. childhood lessons stick with me :P
chinese new years is this sunday! coincedentally, its also valentines day. interesting. how would a chinese person in a relationship celebrate :OOO he/she has to take care of both his/her family AND his/her bf/gf. :OOOO
maybe they'd take bf/gf to their family to celebrate, but that means the bf/gf doesnt get family time ANDDDDDDDDD they dont get too romantic a dinner. O:
anyway im not the type to care about this stuff anyway cause yeah but its interesting.
also, i dig the fact that the day after chinese new years=HOLIDAY. which means moreee family bonding because we can stay up later and NOT worry about skewl the next day. awesome (:
okay time to get crackin on hw.
(ps this is nerdy, but im kinda excited about learning calculus :P)
though i think isabel (?) was at like 700 a yr ago haahhhahahaha.
i hate how the meaning of "lol" "lmao" and "rofl" have become so washed down. now its hard to tell whether they;re just saying it or if they actually are laughing out loud or laughing their @$$es off or rolling on the floor laughing. and esp the last two. because they're so like, dramatic and stuff, and so when you see those you think "oh i made that person laugh." but in reality they might just be saying it but not meaning it :O
though i also am guilty of this "cyber sin," if you will. technically, it is lying sooooo yeahh.
byyyyyyyy the way, dont you get a good feeling when you make people laugh or smile? i dunno. i do. but thats cause im not a very humorous guy, so its like oh yaaaay someone actually thinks something i said is at least somewhat humorous/entertaining. but sometimes i wonder what its like to be like a comedian or like people who are just naturally funny. like ben or something. i wonder how they feel when they make people laugh. do they even care? or do they get that same semi-giddy feeling. cause if they do....damn they must be some happy people.
but then again, maybe its just me O___O ooooh and it makes me even giddiier when im around people that im not too familiar with and stuff. cause yeah its natural for good friends to do that type of stuff, but for mere acquaintances its like WHOA. notice that i dont say "strangers": i dont enjoy strangers. childhood lessons stick with me :P
chinese new years is this sunday! coincedentally, its also valentines day. interesting. how would a chinese person in a relationship celebrate :OOO he/she has to take care of both his/her family AND his/her bf/gf. :OOOO
maybe they'd take bf/gf to their family to celebrate, but that means the bf/gf doesnt get family time ANDDDDDDDDD they dont get too romantic a dinner. O:
anyway im not the type to care about this stuff anyway cause yeah but its interesting.
also, i dig the fact that the day after chinese new years=HOLIDAY. which means moreee family bonding because we can stay up later and NOT worry about skewl the next day. awesome (:
okay time to get crackin on hw.
(ps this is nerdy, but im kinda excited about learning calculus :P)
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
2nd semester
new start, new beginning. not sure what to think of it.
tracks going along just fine. actually, its going a lot better than i thought it would. (:
but its sad how its one of the only things i do that i really love doing. yet....sadly im not as good as i wanna be. oh well. thats how life is.
im slowly learning to love my viola, but again, not as good as i wanna be.
learning more to hate history, liking english/writing a bit more, but again, not as good as i wanna be.
im never as good as i wanna be.
and i know one of my resolutions was to excel, but sometimes i feel like giving up. im too nonhardcore to ever push myself to train hard for track. too lazy and too undevoted to perfect my technique. too this and that and its all screwing me over.
will life ever take me anywhere?
^my biggest fear btw.
im scared that im too passive. im scared that im not strong enough. im scared that i dont have a firm enough will to defend myself.
im scared that ill lose everyone. im scared because everyone to me is so little. im scared of getting hurt.
im scared that im not good enough. im scared for my life.
im scared. im a scaredycat. call the wambulance.
so nows the time to change right? nows the time to step up the game.
jean valjean's story is kinda inspiring. how he sees all his failures and his life just makes a huge 180 turn from there. lets pull a jean valjean, andrew. and lets let that little epiphany of failure be now. lets go.
tracks going along just fine. actually, its going a lot better than i thought it would. (:
but its sad how its one of the only things i do that i really love doing. yet....sadly im not as good as i wanna be. oh well. thats how life is.
im slowly learning to love my viola, but again, not as good as i wanna be.
learning more to hate history, liking english/writing a bit more, but again, not as good as i wanna be.
im never as good as i wanna be.
and i know one of my resolutions was to excel, but sometimes i feel like giving up. im too nonhardcore to ever push myself to train hard for track. too lazy and too undevoted to perfect my technique. too this and that and its all screwing me over.
will life ever take me anywhere?
^my biggest fear btw.
im scared that im too passive. im scared that im not strong enough. im scared that i dont have a firm enough will to defend myself.
im scared that ill lose everyone. im scared because everyone to me is so little. im scared of getting hurt.
im scared that im not good enough. im scared for my life.
im scared. im a scaredycat. call the wambulance.
so nows the time to change right? nows the time to step up the game.
jean valjean's story is kinda inspiring. how he sees all his failures and his life just makes a huge 180 turn from there. lets pull a jean valjean, andrew. and lets let that little epiphany of failure be now. lets go.
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