potpourri

thats an interesting word. but anyway, this post is gonna be all over the place, and i have so much going on in my mind right now, which is kinda why im posting.
so ill start with dreaming. as of late, ive been having interesting dreams. and last night was the craziest that ive had since.....since ever i think.
not to mention, last last night, my mom said that i was sleeptalking. pretty cool, huh?
but anyway, last night's dream was bizarre. it was one of those dreams that felt so realistic, yet as i look back on it, some of the details werent realistic at all.
and what made it even more realistic that it kinda fed off a dream i had like 2 days before. ive never had any dreams that were like a continuation off each other. but anyway, the dream i had two nights before....all i can remember is finding this one picture of me when i was like 5 years old accidentally shooting someone and killing them. so last nights dream, i pretty much got busted for that. so my mom tried to keep this accidental murder under control and brushed it under the carpet....but stuff happened during the dream (i can only remember so much) and these police inspectors + kevin chon +david kim (the freshmen.....im not sure what they were doing there, but they were working with the police...this was one of the very unrealistic details...for obvious reasons....plus i dont even know them except that they're in track and they do some weird jerking videos with james kim and that one tall freshman guy....)....anyway, they came and then they accused me of murder, and of course they conveniently pulled out the picture as evidence against me. and i remember i was crying so hard and i kept on yelling that i was innocent and that i wasnt guilty and it was all an accident and i dont even remember doing it and it was 10 years ago and so why are you coming now? and then i remember being scheduled to go to court. and i was planning a speech. and i also remembered crying sooo hard because i would probably be sent to jail for life, so that meant that i was off by myself, no friends, no family, just me. and not even in a comfy place, twas in a dirty jail cell. and those emotions were sooooo real. and i remember kinda trying to do a sort of bucket list, although i cant completely remember it. mostly, i remember being sad and i remembered the feeling of never getting to see anyone or anything important to you ever again. it sucked. so when i woke up (when i entered the courthouse i think), i felt soooooo good. i saw my room (not a courthouse), and a felt a nice bed underneath me, and i thanked god that that was all just a dream. but i think that dream made me realize just how important some people are to me. i like to consider myself a loner and i dont really see friends as a big part of my life because i dont think i have too many, but last night i found out that they still mean a lot to me nonetheless. esp my mom. who im starting to treat worse and worse and worse, even though i know its wrong and i know that its not what she deserves. :l

anyway, that was a very profound dream. i think. it was pretty scary too. i never realized how intimidating jail was until that dream. damn.

im also put to shame by the way i treat people. again.

1) so i keep on remembering how mean i was to you for all those years, and it really makes me sad to know that i could have ever caused you so much pain. because that was never my intentions. but i know that you took those "jokes" pretty seriously, and as of late, ive been trying to reverse the damage, but i guess its too late. but the only reason why i made fun of you so much, was probably just because i was jealous. period. everyone liked you better, everyone treated you better. and its true. you have more charisma and you're just a funnier person and better person to be around in general. but i was still jealous, and so i took out my jealousy on your self esteem and on your feelings. im sorry. and now, im sure its too late. i mean we still laugh and we chill and have fun together, but i guess its not the same anymore; not with sour feelings behind it all. i want forgiveness, i want redemption, but i know i dont deserve it. i just hope our friendship could be the way it was before i started stabbing at you.

2) yeah, i know. im aware that im kindasorta ignoring you. and i know you told me that yeah, its okay if you dont wanna be friends, but the thing is, even if im ignoing you, it doesnt mean i dont wanna be friends. i know you've found a nice cozy group of friends with whom you fit in with very well, but i dont. and if they make you happy, its cool, cause ive found some good friends of my own, too. but it doesnt mean i dont wanna be friends. it might mean we dont hang out as much, and maybe that i sometimes ignore you (plus, when im ignoring you, it may mean that im in a bad mood anyway), but seriously? friendships dont fall out of the window that fast. so i hope you dont get the impression that im doing those things because i dont like you.

yeah. im not a good people person. it seems like every friendship i get into, im the one who wrecks it and tears it apart, when im the one who wants to keep it together. not a smart decision, andrew.

damn....i cant remember anything else profound that i was gonna post, so im just gonna do a little life update. you can opt to skip this if you'd like.
so tonight, im going to hedys recital. shes getting hear PhD for this??? im not sure, but shes some crazy music major, so we gots to go support yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. bleh i dont know whos going though. its like me ben.....thats prolly it (out of the young people guys) hahahaha. :l

and then tomorrow im going to watch some violinist named sarah chang perform at performing arts center because my viola teacher said he was going and told my mom that she was a good violinist and that we should go watch. so yaaaaaaaaaay. semi-waste of my time.
and i hope euro test gets postponed to not next week :D
can you believe its already the end of february and like 1 month from the end of 3rd quarter??
AND SNAP CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT OUR FIRST MEET IS LIKE 2 WEEKS AWAY WHOOOOOOOOOA. and can you believe that theres so many hurdlers this year which means no more easy medals?? theres like 8 of us guys now........JUST FROM WHITNEY.....so its like no more automatic medals....and it means we have to compete against each other too if we want a medal.....wtf. -____________-
which means i have to improve my sprinting game. not to mention my hurdling form.
but thats a different storrrrrrrrry.
HEY BUT CAN YOU BELIEVE THERES ONLY ONE INVITATIONAL THIS YEAR. IM PISSED. >_>

and can you believe the freaking white people americanized hello panda, the classical asian snack? so they've now americanized yangleduo (yakult), hichew, hello panda, and prolly some more. if they americanize pocky, i QUIT.