mannn. freaking. sorry. havent updated in a while. just never get enough time to finish posts. should be reading mockingbird right now.

but i needed to rant/ vent/whatever, gaaah i feel soooo lost. and like i try to be happy, but i cant. like. im soo lost. and i got soo close like after my other rants earlier in the year and after the retreat. but iono. i just dont feel im spending enough time. with him. its like....ive been so caught up with homework and crap, and i cant read in the morning cuhs thats my study time. i mean i guess i can...no wait i cant cuhs i have to study freaking organelles. see what i mean? like i have all these quizzes. and like i dont hav ethat extra time in the night cuhs my mom makes me sleep at like 930 so i cant pus it in. and even at the end of the day at night when im waiting for my mom to finish showering, i can never fit anything in. and it just...iono. pisses me off. saddens me. that i cant. and i know i cant be happy without God. i mean hes my source of like everything. and..ughh. i know im bad. i need some time to fit things in. but i just cant. i remember when id memorize verses like mad (i memorized romans 5-8..dang!). and i want to be able to rememorize but i never find the time. and when i dont feel like memorizing and just reading, i have no idea what to read. maybe i should start a reading track? but then i dont get time to memorize...or maybe just when im done memorizing or when i dont feel like i can do reading track. but still. i feel so fuuureaking lost. and then i have all these other issues. and im like freaking torn. and i dont like it. i really dont. i hate it. but i need to spend time with Him. i need it. it just like, puts 10 kajillion pounds on my heart that i cant..... i need help. hahah i hope juju reads this so he can give me his uber spiritual advice. XD maybe ill just try getting up earlier in the morning to read/memorize. then thats my source of energy for the day. i guess when i get used to waking up early theni can do it better, okay thats my goal for life. =)